The desire to feel praised is in every ounce of my DNA. The longing to feel success motivates my almost every move. I seek for my name to be known, for my face to stick out in a crowd. I long to be seen as a good person, someone who people run to when they are feeling less than, but lately I've been convicted with the fact that I am not doing these good deeds in God's name, but rather in my own.
I remember sitting in class about a year ago and listening to a conversation between some fellow classmates. They were discussing how wasted they had gotten the night before and how they were still feeling the effects. I remember thinking wow what losers. Who shows up drunk to school. I started assuming everything about these kids. I started judging them. I started judging their friends. I started judging their choices. I'm sure God was laughing at me. I'm sure He looked down at me and said, "Just because you're not talking about your sin right now, doesn't mean you don't have any."
My biggest ego booster is this blog. I love the satifaction my heart feels when people drown me in praise, but in reality, the person that should be the recipitant is off standing to the side watching me soak in my underserved acclimations. Recently Jesus has been making me aware and kindly reminding me that none of these words on this blog are mine. He is simply using me as a vessle. Much like how He used the donkey to come into Jerusalem. Here's how I see it. When Jesus came into Jerusalem He sat on a donkey and people were cheering for Him, shouting, dancing, waving palm branches, and singing Him praises. The donkey easily could have thought this was all for him. He could see all the people cheering and dancing and thought, "Yes, this is all for me, I am the vessle bringing Jesus of Nazareth into Jerusalem." Obviously, this is not the case. Obviously, the people were not cheering for the donkey.
I find myself in so many situations taking the praise that was meant for Jesus when I am merely just a vessel. I bring Jesus into many circumstances, hear the people cheering, and then my prideful brain thinks that it is meant for me when in reality the people are praising Jesus. Without the words of Jesus flowing into my brain this blog would be a hot mess. Each post is birthed in prayer, conviction, and love. Each one was carefully designed and spoken by the Creator, I am merely the broken vessel He chose to use. You can tell the posts that weren't prayerfully written because they beg for the name Madison to be known. They try to make me sound superior or worthy or something that I am not an ounce of.
One of my favorite writters, Brooke Putney, compared us to a watering hose. She said, "We are a hose. We are nothing without water. We sit in the heat with no purpose, no meaning without the Water rushing through us. We cannot help water the plants by or through ourselves. We can try alone but without the purpose of our being, our surroundings will stay stagnant. We can twist knots in ourselves and turn ourselves off and on over and over again but it is not until there is something flowing within us that we have reason for existence."
I am thankful to Jesus that he gently reminds me each day of my prideful heart, and that I deserve no credit for doing good. I am thankful that He still continues to choose me to be a vessel for His words. Without Him I am nothing. I live in anonymous servanthood, it should not be my name that is shouted but rather Jesus'.