This is probably my most vulnerable post yet.
I am afraid. I am afraid of almost everything. I am afraid of tornados, of cancer, of airplanes, of missions, of missions people that make you feel bad for not going on missions, I am afraid of being wrong, of looking dumb, I am afraid of death, of failing, of scary movies, of terrorist attacks, of sharks, of the word radical, of robbers, I am afraid of heights, I am afraid of letting people down, of doctors, I am afraid of paperwork, I am afraid of calendars, I am afraid of gross bugs and of suspension bridges.
The first moment I can recall (or my parents can recall lol) of me being scared was at McDonald's. The 90s colorful, rubber, massive playground was one of my first moments of fear. I was about two years old and I had crawled all the way to the top when I met my fate, the wobbly bridge. I put one chubby hand in front of the other sliding my knees forward when It started to tip. The bridge was created to tip with weight, but my toddler brain could not yet wrap around that concept. I was paralyzed with fear. I froze. I screamed. I cried. I was stuck. I cried out, and my mom came to my rescue. She crawled all the way to the top and pulled me off and into her safe and loving arms, far far away from that scary suspension bridge.
When I was four years old I began to have nightmares of bridges. I was stuck on a wooden wobbly bridge with rushing water underneath me. As I was walking across it, It would break and I would fall into the water, and would immediately wake up.
Then as I grew I began watching princess movies. The ones that all little girls are supposed to like and dress up as. Not me. I would have to run into the other room when Sleeping Beauty would get her finger pricked or when anything else scary happened. The fear was all too real for five year old me.
I don't think there was ever really anything that really set off my fear. I grew up in a loving stable home, but no matter how loving or stable our home is we are all born sinners. We are all born with sin and my fear was a very prominent part of my sin nature.
The summer going into my sixth-grade year I had severe bedtime stress. I wouldn't sleep. Like at all. For like two weeks straight, until my parents took me to the doctor. I would be afraid of not sleeping. Of not getting the proper amount of sleep that my body should be getting. I would look at my red digital clock in my bedroom and watch the numbers slowly get higher and higher. Until I could tally, yet again, another sleepless night.
One day while at work I put my hand on my back and felt something. A bump. So naturally, I moved to the absolute worst scenario. I have cancer. I am going to die. I probably have like two days to live. I know this sounds crazy. But that is what fear does to you. It is irrational and nuts and makes you crazy because we were not created to be in a constant state of fear. So basically at that point in my life, I knew that my fate would be either, dying of some rare form of cancer or falling off a bridge. What a terrible way to live. So I went to the doctor and she seemed actually concerned and sent me for scans. Great. Now the doctor's worried so I am definitely going to die. That is the funny thing about fear though. No matter how much you prepare for it it still feels like someone knocked the wind out of you. So the next few days of waiting for results of the tumor that I just knew was growing rapidly on my back were agony. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. I was paralyzed in fear just like when I was two in the McDonald's playground. But instead of calling out the Jesus I dwelled in my fear. A few days later I got a callback. No cancer. No massively growing tumor. No chemo. But I was still stuck with my spiritual sickness, the sin of fear. Because no earthly doctor can fix that.
I feel fear when I am out of control. I cannot fly airplanes, therefore, I do not like them. I can drive a car so I like them. Even though I am more likely to die from a car accident than plummeting into the ocean inside an airplane. The thought of being in control comforts me. But the truth is no amount of control can make me feel safe. I cannot protect myself from pain. I cannot protect myself from sickness. I cannot protect my family from natural disasters. No matter the safeness of my neighborhood, the life vests, the seat belts, the alarm systems, the pepper spray, they cannot protect me. The only one who can is Jesus.
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."-- Psalms 34:4
One of the most comforting things to me is knowing that I am being made a new creation every day.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"-- 2 Corinthians 5:17
I know that I am not the same as I was yesterday or ten years ago. I know that the Lord is delivering me from my fears. I know that He is doing a good work in me every day, sanctifying me and making me more like Him. When I am fearful I cling to the gospel.
"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; He will remove His people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. 9 In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.” Isaiah 25:8-9
Jesus died for me. He saw me. He saw my fear. He chose me and went to the cross for me. He can do that for you too if you trust and believe in Him. And let me tell you that is the safest place to be. I deserve eternal punishment for my sins and so do you.
"The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" --Romans 6:23
You can trust that He lived a perfect sinless life
"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin."-- Hebrews 4:15
You can trust He was nailed to the cross to provide mercy for our sins
"God so loved the world, that he gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life"-- John 3:16
You can trust on the third day he rose again
"Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid Him" -- Mark 16:6
You can trust these things. You can trust Jesus. I can trust that my fears are not forever. I am not the same as I once was. I am not as much afraid of missions as I was a year ago. I can talk to missions people and feel the joy of spreading the Gospel without feeling afraid or that I am not good enough. I have desires to teach in inner-city schools where gunshots are a common occurrence in the neighborhood. Gangs are prevalent. And dirt bikes race and wheelie by. I have desires to volunteer in foster homes with girls who are pregnant and have children, but chose life! I have desires to do things that were once scary to me! Praise Jesus! Because that is only a work that He can do in me. There is nothing out of my own strength that could make me not fearful. Literally nothing (see any of the above paragraphs). I was stuck in my fear, in my crazy, in my irrationality, but as I cling to the gospel Jesus works in my heart and makes me a new creation.
I am not sure why you clicked on this article, maybe a crazy string of clicks lead you here in desperation to find something to rid you of your fear ( hello I have done this). But let me tell you, no blog, no book (besides the Bible), no youtube video will rid you of this spiritual sickness. Jesus and what He did for us will be the only thing that can do this. His continued work in you will rid you of your sins. Sometimes like Paul says in Romans 7, I do what I do not want to do and I don't do what I want to do. But I know that I won't always be afraid. One day on that glorious day where I meet Jesus, I will no longer feel the pain of sin. I will no longer feel the pain of fear. I can live eternally in the joy of knowing Jesus. That, my friends, is going to be one amazing day.
I know God did not create a life where there will be nothing to be afraid of. The fears are real, but so is Jesus. So whether you feel like you are drowning today in fear or maybe you are really feeling peace, know that Jesus has conquered your fear and that he is making you new day by day. Confess those fears. Confess them to God, confess them to people and watch His mercy flow over you. Watch yourself become a new creation. You don't have to fear when you are on the McDonald's playground, because Jesus has already died in our place. It is very scary to write this and be so vulnerable, but I have so enjoyed watching Jesus redeem my brokenness and make me more like Him, that I cannot hold it back anymore.