How often have you fallen short of perfection?
How often have you questioned if you will ever be able to fulfill Gods plans for your life?
How often have you felt disappointment?
For me its every day.
But for God, me even feeling like this once is once too much.
A girl came up to me this week and said "Man Madison, you have your life together. You go to school, have a job, dress to the nines, and go on so many cool adventures! I wish I could be you!" That killed me. I don't want people to think I'm some perfect little christian girl that has her life together. I am far, far away from the lie of anyone having it all together. My relationship with God has hung by a thread at some points in my life. I have questions and concerns, demons that run around in my mind. I fight back insecurities, anger, jealousy, and fear every single day. I struggle with self control and every single lie the devil can drill into my tiny, confused, weak human brain. I will be completely vulnerable with anyone who asks me what I am struggling with, because I will not let the lie of perfection and pride destroy me.
We feel these feelings because we see ourselves through others eyes, when we should be looking at our selves through God's eyes. Man's thoughts are variable. Every person you know is going through different spiritual, emotional, and physical struggles. When we strive to please others it gets in the way of trying to please God. See yourself through God's eyes. His view is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Rest in his gaze and you will receive His deep peace.
So in the spirit of being completely vulnerable, laying my pride down, and not pretending to be the girl who has it all together here are some of the things that I struggle with on a daily basis.
Love is not rude. There is probably nothing more challenging to me than to submit my emotions to the Spirit of God. My selfish pride tells me its ok for me to bring someone down. Heck they deserve it! But God tells me to bite my tongue when a harsh reply wants to come out, take a deep breath, and pray for the other person instead. To exude the nature of Christ in the face of rudeness, insensitivity, or cruelty is a supernatural ability that His Spirit gives, not something that I can muster up in my own strength. Sometimes I feel like I am being held captive by my emotions. Self-pity eating away at me. Anger building up inside until I feel like I am ready to explode. Overwhelming feelings of hurt and heartbreak that make you want to curl up in a ball and never love again. All these feelings can be conquered by God. He can conquer our most intense emotions. Breath slowly and deeply and relax in His Holy presence. He secured this blessing of peace for us by dying a criminals death. Circumstances cannot touch the peace that Jesus died for me for.
Comparison. One word that can destroy you. What's wrong with me. Why am I going on 20 and never been in a relationship? If only's haunt me. If only I had her hair instead of looking like Simba when he wakes up in the morning. If only I had her body instead of mine. If only my smile were a little bigger, my eyes were a little less sad looking, and my arms were a little more toned. One of my friends gave me the best advice on comparison. She simply said, in one of my fits of if onlys, but Madison she isn't you. Thats right she isn't me! God made her beautiful and God made me beautiful, just in different ways.
I give 110% into everything I do. Friendships, family, school, work, church, EVERYTHING. If I was shallow in all of these it would be a manageable load, but I pour into each one of these. I pour into my friendships, I write letters, set up hangouts, truly let that person know how much they mean to me. I build them up, encourage them, and don't let them even for a second doubt the worth God has put on them. In school I never settle for anything less than A's. God has blessed me with a brain and I'm going to use it for his glory. At work I strive to treat every meeting I have with someone as a divine meeting, meaning that God placed them there for a specific reason and I am going to find out exactly what that reason is. However I struggle with this. Many people take this kindness and caring as "overboard". She's too nice. She's so fake. No one cares that much about me so why should she. But I know that God has given me this gift of loving. Loving with my whole entire heart. And caring is not synonymous with crazy. I struggle with this. But I know that these are just lies the devil has placed in my head to try and get me to stop building others up. Because for every one person who thinks I'm weird or crazy for buying them a gift out of the blue , giving them a hug on the first meeting, or letting them know how truly important they are, theres someone who really needed it. That might be the only time that person will know how appreciated they are that day. And God has called me to love others with my whole heart no matter what others may think. I do not live to please people of this world, the only person I live to please is God.
Now certainly these are not the only things I struggle with, but they are the big three. Emotions, comparison, and worrying about what others think. I encourage you to ask God to unveil and convict you of the things you struggle with and share them with someone, so you don't fall victim to a false sense of perfection or pride, like I did.